A few laughs

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handy woman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes." A short time later, the blond handy woman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blond added... "It's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Jane had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' Said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Jane. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again and slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents. The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Jane doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son! With that the robot immediately walked around to Jane and knocked her out of her chair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~